


Cross-Bones and Kings Jewels

by Purple_fools_gold



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Drunken Singing, Eventual Smut, F/M, I don't know what I'm doing, I'm not naming everyone, M/M, Mermaid!Tauriel - Freeform, OFC - Freeform, Pirate!AU, Pirates, Rating subject to change, The Hobbit - Freeform, cross-dressing, fem!Legolas, probably, sorry - Freeform, unfrequent updates, whats going on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 17:31:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4109194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purple_fools_gold/pseuds/Purple_fools_gold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin saw the telltale 'P' burned into her forearm, and a bottle of rum below it...</p><p>"Her other arm, Thorin."</p><p>His gaze shifted, and then locked onto a block of writing. It was a crudely done tattoo; he'd seen better done by drunk men. </p><p>"What... Does that say?"</p><p>"It's a Prophecy."</p><p>Thorin only needed to see a few of the words to know what it said. </p><p> </p><p>Or, the Pirate!Au in which Thorin's still a stubborn bastard, Bofurs still a drunk, and Gandalf still leads them astray. Only this time, there's mermaids.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cross-Bones and Kings Jewels

Most stories start during a dark and stormy night.

This night was dark, but calm. Stars gleamed above, reflecting perfectly on the water below. It was near impossible to tell where the seas ended and the sky began.

Kili enjoyed nights like this. With no fog or rain for enemy ships to hide in, he knew they wouldn't be attacked tonight.

Of course, as per usual, he couldn't have been more wrong. 

A thin layer of fog rolled in, and his hands tightened on the ships wheel. 

He swallowed once as the fog grew thicker, then called up, "Bilbo, d'you see anything?"

A small head poked out of the crows nest. "In all this fog? You're joking. I can't see a thing!"

"Wonderful," Kili muttered.

A few minutes later, he nearly screamed when Bilbo said suddenly from behind him, "There's lights."

"Mother of God! Bilbo! How'd you-? Never mind. Stop sneaking up on me like that. Why'd you leave your post?"

" _There's lights_." He hissed again. "Starboard side, just off the bow of the ship."

Kili turned his head to look where the smaller man had said. "I don't see anything."

"Which is why _I'm_  the lookout, not you."

"Right. Well, go wake up Thorin, I suppose. He'll want to know."

Bilbo nodded, then turned and silently ran across the deck. Just how the man managed to be so quiet all the time was beyond Kili, but he didn't bother himself with it now.

Bilbo returned with Kili's uncle a moment later.

"Captain," Kili said with a nod.

"Kili," Thorin nodded back. "Where-?"

"Shh!" Bilbo suddenly hissed. "D'you hear that?"

The three men froze, and listened intently. A sound rang out through the night, too soft to hear.

"Is that-?" A sharp whistle sounded, then a splash.

Thorin cursed. "Bilbo, wake everyone up."

"Um," Another whistle, followed by a crash of splintering wood, and the three were thrown forewords.

"Now!" Thorin yelled. "We're under attack!"

~•~

As it turned out, it was a small Navy ship.

Thorin and his crew managed to send it off, half sinking, as it's Captain ordered his men to turn around.

Kili had gone to follow them, but Thorin stopped him.

"Uncle," he'd protested, "We can finish them off without a problem, they aren't-"

"Pick your battles wisely, Kili. They're retreating. Let them. We don't need to waste anymore of our time on them." He walked over to the rails along the side of his ship. "Besides, there's a rather nasty gash on the side. We'll need to fix that as soon as we can."

The Naval ship had come right up beside them, slamming into their starboard side and crashing into the wood. Kili had spun their own ship around so they could fire the cannons from the front of their ship- a new addition made by Bofur and his brother Bifur, both of whom were always offering new suggestions to the Captain on how to improve the ship.

They'd made more holes into the enemies ship than there were in their sea-worn clothes.

"Thorin!" He turned at the sound of Bilbo calling his name.

"What is it?"

"There's some-" Before he could get the word out of his mouth, a figure swung down from the ropes above them, landed gracefully on their feet in front of Thorin, with a sword already drawn and it's point at his throat.

"Don't move." Every other man on deck drew their guns and had them aimed.

"What in the seven hells?!" Fili, Kili's older brother cursed. "Who're you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" A Northern accent drawled.

"A bloody woman on the ship?!" The first mate, Dwalin, growled. "I think not." The woman glanced over at him.

"Oh, don't you worry, dear. The only bad luck you lot'll get is if you come any closer. I doubt you want to scrub your Captains blood off the deck, hm? Any of you shoot me, and I'll fall forewords, slicing his neck."

They all slowly lowered their guns.

"That's better."

"Who are you?"

She turned back to look at Thorin. "An ally."

He snorted. "Is that so?"

"Sorry about the sword. Can't be too careful." She pressed into it slightly harder, drawing a hiss from Thorin as he felt the steel bite into his skin.

She cleared her throat, then spoke louder. "There is a man here who knows me."

"I may be part deaf, but of recognize that voice anywhere!" Oin stepped forewords. "I know this lass."

"Uncle Oin." She drawled. "How good to see you again."

"Uncle?" Thorin's brow furrowed.

"No real relation. He's a... Family friend."

"This is Alena. I... Worked with her father." Oin said awkwardly. 

Thorin's eyes widened. "Alena. As in, Alena the Rum-Runner?"

"The one and only." She smirked. "I'm flattered you've heard that name. More recently I became _Captain_  Alena."

"Not Captain of the Naval ship?" Thorin asked, confused.

"No," she sniffed. "You think they'd let a woman join the Navy?" She let out a laugh. "They'd sooner let children Captain a ship than a woman." She suddenly removed her sword, and Thorin's hand immediately went to his hip.

She raised an eyebrow as she sheathed her sword. "Didn't you hear me? I'm an ally. I've heard rumour of your quest."

Thorin held back a groan. This was supposed to be a _secretive_ mission.

"I would like to join."

" _What_?" He spluttered. "Absolutely not. Why- how did you even get on my ship?"

Alena stiffened. "I jumped."

" _You jumped_."

"I jumped."

"From?"

"The ship that just put a great big gash in your hull!"

"Why were you on the Naval ship?"

"I was captured. Many months ago. I've been prisoner ever since. I had an opportunity, and I took it."

"Captured... From the ship you were Captain on?" Fili interjected.

"... Sort of."

"What does that mean?" Alena stuck her chin out defiantly.

"My ship was attacked. By the pirate Azog the Defiler."

A few muffled gasps were heard.

"He's dead." Thorin spat.

"He is most certainly alive!"

" _I_ killed him." Thorin leaned into her. " _I_  cut off his arm. _I_  am the one who rid the seas of that filth."

" _You_ must have messed up royally, then. He's still alive, and very much angry."

"Not possible."

"He attacked us, and sank my ship with my crew still on it. There was no chance to surrender. No chance for parlay." Her jaw was clenched to keep it from shaking.

"You would have negotiated with the Defiler?"

"To save my crew? Yes. None of them deserved to die."

"How did you escape, then?" Kili asked her, more interested in her story than anything else.

She swallowed. "He let me. I had a rowboat. I was- I tried to get some of my men into it, but they shot them down, and he could've shot me too, but..." She looked down suddenly, unable to meet Thorin's eyes. " _He looked right at me, and grinned, and let me go_."

"A Captain should go down with their ship."

"That's a waste of a life." She snapped. "A ship can be rebuilt. Once you lose a life, it's gone forever. I saved myself, so I might avenge my crew and my ship. I rowed away, and Azog let me. Then-"

"Azog. Could. Not. Have. Done. This." Thorin's teeth were clenched. "You must have been attacked by an impersonator."

"Impersonater?!" Alena cried. "Who could bloody impersonate that damned man? If he's even a man anymore!"

"His son, then, perhaps."

"I know what I saw. _Who_  I saw."

Thorin only shook his head, turning away from her. "Get off my ship."

"Thorin," Kili said suddenly. "I think she should stay."

"And why would that be?" "Look at her tattoos."

Thorin looked back at the woman (Gods above and below, there was a _woman_  on his ship) standing before him. "I see no tattoos."

Kili huffed. "Alena, roll up your sleeves a tad more." She did.

Thorin saw the telltale 'P' burned into her forearm, and a bottle of rum below it, intricate writing in a language he didn't know across it.

"So? All that they tell me is who she is."

"Her other arm, Thorin." His gaze shifted, and then locked onto a block of writing.

It was a crudely done tattoo; he'd seen better done by drunk men. "What... Does that say?"

"It's a Prophecy."

Thorin only needed to see a few of the words to know what it was. "That... Is the Prophecy of my people. You... You are related to the Dwarrow-men?"

"Aye, on my fathers side."

"Thorin, she is our kin." Kili said, walking up to stand beside his Uncle. "She has a right to Erebor, just like us."

"I don't want any of your gold."

Thorins eyes shot up to look at her face. "You're lying."

"No, I'm not. I don't want any of your gold. I've heard what it does to men. I want none of it."

"What is if you want, then?"

"I want revenge. For my crew and ship. My _Angelina_."

Thorin thought for a moment. If he wouldn't lose any of his gold to her, then... "Fine." He rasped. "You can join us."

She saluted him. "Captain."

"What on Earth has been going on up here?"

Alena watched, open-mouthed, as Gandalf the Grey, the _wizard_ , came up from below deck. He yawned.

"Is that Alena Rum-Runner? Good, good. I'm sure she'll be of much use on this journey."

~•~

Only a day later, Alena had become less of a symbol of bad luck and more of a beacon of light.

She sang often, her and Bofur both, and every night when he brought out his fiddle, she'd dance until she grew too tired to continue.

"It's the Irish in her." Gandalf had told Thorin with a chuckle. "Singing and dancing until her heart gives out."

As it also turned out, she was, as Bofur and Bilbo both put it, a 'complete sweetheart.'

She still had a sharp tongue and quick wit, but Thorin soon grew doubtful that she had a single mean bone in her body.

"It seems to me," He said to her one morning, "That you are not entirely cut out for this sort of life."

"I'm not?" She looked amused. "Why's that?" She leaned back against the rails along the ships sides.

"You seem... Too nice. Kind-hearted."

"Bofur's kind-hearted." She pointed out. "Bilbo, too. And Bombur. And Dori. And Ori. Really, most of your crew is."

"They are good men. They are not cruel. But..." He searched for the right words. "They can take a life when they need to."

Alena frowned. "And you think I can't?"

Thorin only shrugged. "You seem... Mild. Timid?"

 _Timid_?" Her frown deepened. "I am _not_ -" she huffed our a breath and crossed her arms. "I don't like killing people if they don't need to die. It's a waste of life." She paused. "That doesn't make me timid. That makes me sensible."

"So, when we first met, that was all a façade? You weren't actually going to kill me?"

She tilted her head to the side. "If any of you had tried to kill me, I would have retaliated. I value my own life. I don't want to die."

"Which brings us back to what I originally said."

"I don't _want_ to die, Thorin." She'd turned around to face the waters surrounding them. "That doesn't mean I'm not prepared to."

~•~

That night, Alena did not sing. She did not dance. She sat in silence as Bofur played his fiddle, and Fili and Kili danced.

She only cracked a smile when they pulled a reluctant Bilbo in to dance with them.

~•~

"You seem a bit down, as of late." Bofur said to Alena the next night, taking a seat next to her on the deck.

She didn't answer, just ground her teeth and stared ahead of her at nothing.

Bofur cleared his throat. "Ah, I have something that may cheer you up."

She looked over at him, a confused smile on her face as he pulled out a bottle. "Alcohol? That's your solution?"

He shrugged.

"Pass it over."

~•~

"Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair, an one could tell by how he walked that he'd had more than his share!"

Alena and Bofur had drank the entire bottle, and now she sang as he clapped along, much to the amusement of everyone else.

"He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet! And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street!"

She started bouncing around, sort of dancing, sort of stumbling.

"Ring ding diddle diddle I de-oh, ring di diddly I oh! He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street! About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye,"

She took a large breath in before continuing, "See young sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built? I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt."

There was some laughter around their crew, and now Fili and Kili joined in.

"Ring ding diddle diddle I de-oh, ring di diddly I oh! I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?"

Alena went again: "They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be, lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see... And there behold, for them to view, beneath his Scottish skirt..."

She paused, then threw her arms up, "Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth!"

Thorin felt a chuckle escape him. He hadn't heard this song before.

His laughter increased as he watched his nephews dance around, their arms linked as they swung in circles.

"Ring ding diddle diddle I de-oh, ring di diddly I oh! Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth."

"They marveled for a moment, then one said 'we must be gone. Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along.' As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow. Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show!"

"Ring ding diddle diddle I de-oh, ring di diddly I oh! Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show."

"Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward the trees. Behind a bush, he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees. And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes..."

Alena grinned cheekily before finishing: "O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize!"

The crew was too busy laughing to sing the chorus with her, so she sang it on her own.

"Ring ding diddle diddle I de-oh, ring di diddly I oh! O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize!"

The men had all erupted into laughter, and Fili and Kili went to Alena and lifted her up on their shoulders.

"We need more songs like that!" The older brother exclaimed.

"I had no idea a lady like yourself knew such songs!" Kili laughed.

"Oh, if you think I'm a Lady then you're terribly mistaken!" She laughed as they set her down. "Why is it you think they call me Alena Rum-Runner? I don't just smuggle booze, boys!" She gave them a wink.

"Enough celebrating for one night!" Thorin declared. "Get some sleep, morning comes faster than you think."

The others grumbled but did as they were told, shuffling across the deck go down to their barracks.

Thorin held an arm out to stop Alena as she went by. "Just why do they call you the Rum-Runner?"

She looked up at him with a flirtatious look in her eye. "Because men tend to underestimate the power I have over them once they've had a taste of me."

"Is that so?"

"Yes,"

"And just how many men have... Underestimated you?"

"Enough to give me a reputation for it."

Thorin wasn't quite sure what she was saying. "So... You mean-"

"I've been with many men, and had _much_ influence over them afterwords." She gave him a sloppy wink and nearly fell over.

"Right. Off to bed with you." M"G'night, my Captain." She tried to salute, but ending up hitting herself in the face with her hand. "Ow, damn. G'night."

Alena stumbled down the stairs to where her and the crew slept, and collapsed into the first hammock she saw.

 _Am I going to be hungover?_ she asked herself. _Nahh_...


End file.
